It’s a cold November evening in London and I’m fantasizing. Now, now, don't get all hot under the collar. Not that kind of fantasizing. I’m sitting at the bar of exclusive Regent Street club Hedges & Butler with a glass of champagne and two stacks of papers in front of me. I say stacks but only one in fact consists of 16 pages. The other is just a single sheet. On this single sheet is an itinerary from leading luxury concierge service Bluefish. The larger stack contains an alternative trip from that other leading luxury concierge service, Quintessentially.
And what they are about is the stuff dreams are made of. Well, if you’re planning a stag do that is. Both are exclusive, exciting and expensive party trips and when I tell you – if you’re a single man with some cash to spare – these are the ones you want to go on, you better believe it. But my task this evening, as a long-time partier and lover of luxury holidays is to pick the best one, the bachelor holiday of a lifetime, hence my choice of environment and my choice of drink.
Now I was going to drag this out and keep you guessing till the end, but it’s just not going to happen. Why, because in this case bigger really is better. Stack number two, by Quintessentially, is so fantastical, so in tune to every man and his mate’s wildest macho dreams that it just can’t be beaten. On the first day of the company's three-day spy party which begins in Prague, the bachelor boys “will be greeted by a dazzling fleet of Czech ladies, fully dressed in kinky military wear, and ready to ‘protect and serve’.”
What self-respecting male, about to say goodbye to the world of single-dom, could argue with that? Certainly not me. I sip my Louis Roederer Cristal and contemplate calling up Quintessentially and booking my trip, before remembering I don’t have 200,000 USD lying around right now. This is not to say that I won’t be fleecing everyone I know to get it.
Now don’t get me wrong. Bluefish don’t do too badly on the female-front either. Whereas Quintessentially go for two days in Prague and one in Marrakech, Bluefish go for four days and nights in Oman and set you up with girls from Eve Models. In fact they rather suggestively state that on Day Four you’ll “Wake up with your private masseuse on Oman’s beautiful beaches.” Does that mean she’ll have spent the night before with me! “Barman, fill my glass please!”
Ok, ok. Enough of my lecherousness. When it comes to choosing between the two equally stunning ultimate bachelor parties there’s more to judge it on than just the ladies. So let’s continue with Bluefish though remember, I only have one page to work with here.
Now, first up I wondered about Oman as their destination of choice. It’s a beautiful country but it doesn’t get me thinking ‘ultimate’. Day One, my boys and I get picked up in a Hummer limo with a female chauffeur and hang out at the Shangri-La’s Al Bandar at Barr Al Jissah Resort & Spa before spending the day jet-skiing. Not bad, I think. It’s a pretty swish resort. Day Two is all about driving and diving. Basically it’s off-roading in Land Rovers on full sand dunes or scuba-diving. The choice is yours but either way it’s all adrenalin. The night promises entertainment from Eve Models again but what sort is not specified. Day Three is a boat trip hunting big game fish and an afternoon at the camel races – but can you gamble in Oman, I wonder? That night it’s staying at the Chedi Muscat (see Bespoke, vol.I, issue4) and club-hopping in the capital. Still I am not convinced if this is the sort of club scene I go for even though the hotel looks stunning.
Day Four is the wake up with the masseuse on the beach moment though I am wondering how I got there – or how she got here – but then the rest of the day is spent playing golf, smoking cigars and drinking tequila. Now I don’t mind the tequila but to paraphrase the words of Mark Twain, “I always thought golf ruined a good walk.” Call me un-refined but I’d rather play football than golf. The final night is spent at what Bluefish calls “the Bachelor Party in which dreams are made.” It’s held in a Bedouin Tent in the middle of the Omani desert with an aquarium and marine bar and dancing from acrobats. “Music, alcohol and girls will be free flowing” and you’ll be joined by Oman’s elite. All sounds pretty lush but who are Oman’s elite and why do I want to be joined by them on my bachelor party? More questions than answers arise here.
There’s no doubting that this is a singular trip. I have no fear my pals and I would remember it for years. But I might argue that this is for the older bachelor (late 30s to 50s) and one who likes golf. Still, diving deep below the Daymaniyat Islands is something special and doing it with your best friends has got to be very cool indeed.
Now as the Cristal starts to go to my head and the well-dressed Hedges & Butler girls begin to turn up, I go through Quintessentially’s paper stack. The more I read the more I realise that it’s going to be very tough to beat what is probably the premier concierge service in the world. The scale of what the company prepared and planned meticulously to the last detail, cleverly hits every man’s fantasy – James Bond.
This bachelor trip is like a real life game of espionage in which my friends and I are the spies. We begin in Prague, given secret identities, but are ambushed on our way from the airport and given military training from ex-SAS agents. Prague works – why? Because as the itinerary says “it’s famous for its old ambiance but also its dark side – with just the right dose of dissident sexual decadence, coupled with rumours of raunchy underground parties.” I won’t argue. But this is a luxury adrenalin-fuelled trip – we are trained by ex-KGB man in assault weapons at a secret military compound, we fly in a MIG 21 fighter jet, then we party with attractive Czech girls in the aforementioned kinky military wear! Then it’s paintball with the girls and training in techniques in which to torture them into submission later! Then it’s spas and massages to relax before hitting Prague’s luxury restaurants and underground clubs.
Day Two sees us robbed of our belongings and then trained in Prague’s downtown in the art of surveillance and ambush, ready to seek out the lady bandits, capture them and get our stuff back! That evening it’s a stay in a nineteenth century Gothic castle in the hills with Bond girls to show us round, a feast of food and a night of gambling – you can definitely gamble in Prague – in the castle’s casino all manned by female croupiers. Day Three is a private jet flight to Marrakesh, shopping in the souk, a stay in the luxury Tigmi suite hotel and microlight flying over the Berber villages of the Haouz plain. The evening involves the hotel’s luxury spas, a Bedouin tented meal, a trip to the Djemaa al Fnaa carnival-like square and a Sufi-whirling/native belly dancing party at an exclusive riad all washed down with “copious amounts of spy juice” – whatever that is.
After all that I am left feeling that I have been and done it already. What a trip. I need another bottle of champagne. I already feel like a spy. Quintessentially gets my vote for the best Bachelor Ultimate trip on the planet. But in fact – stuff that, why is it exclusive for men about to be married? I’m going to do it anyway. Now where’s my bank manager’s number?
Contacts
Quintessentially
Beirut, Lebanon
Tel +9613 171071
www.quintessentially.com
Bluefish
Palm Beach, Florida, USA
Tel + 1 866 270 3879
www.thebluefish.com
