It sounds pretty amazing, right? But honestly, can anyone argue that social media’s biggest purpose in its relatively short lifespan hasn’t simply been to provide us all with a handy personal PR tool? Facebook might be great for ‘catching up with old friends’ (the classic line) and Twitter may ‘keep you on top of the day’s current affairs’ but were it not for their one-stop self-branding features – their instant ability to give the impression to all beyond your living room that your life is nothing short of thought-provoking, culturally rich and most of all, fabulous – it’s likely Messrs Zuckerberg and Co. wouldn’t be considering upsizing their exotic animal collections.
Of course, only the foolish would take to social media (why is it always ‘take to’? Did people ‘take to’ their typewriters before?) and loudly shout ‘Look at me! Aren’t my days filled with awesomeness?’ Of the numerous unwritten rules (like never, ever ‘like’ a message about someone’s recent passing), such wanton crowing ranks rather high on the list. One thing social media has taught the world is the art of the humble brag - the casual, metaphorical or pictorial suggestion that everything you do should have everyone else quietly sobbing with envy. Nowhere is this more prevalent than the Middle East, where the opportunities for showing off are perhaps higher than most.
It’s for this reason that achingly tedious self-gratifying status updates are now regularly followed by the equally awful ‘#blessed’, meaning ‘blessed with having wealthy parents who regularly give me large chunks of cash to spend at my whim’, ‘blessed with residing in a country where a long-sleeved t-shirt is considered winter attire’ or ‘blessed that we live in a world whereby someone who works in fashion gets more free stuff than say, a nurse’. The same goes with photos. Where once captions would provide a detailed description of the event, we’re now provided with curious teasers, a ‘just another day in paradise’ beneath a shot of some sun-kissed feet on a beach or a ‘it’d be rude not too!’ accompanying a portrait of a bottle of something French and fizzy. What are we supposed to surmise from these words and picture riddles? That the person involved is having a far more fabulous time than you, at work, scrolling through their snaps in your miserable lunch break, that’s what.
But with the Polar Vortex giving the US Winter Olympics team some unexpected last-minute training opportunities and rain and winds sinking much of Western Europe, the temptation for large swathes of the Middle East to post at least one ever-so-slightly-smug weather-based update has been far too great to resist. ‘I see what the US is talking about! The pool was WAY too cold this morning’ is just one of the many posts I’ve seen likely to have chilled American-Arab online relationships. And ok, I admit, it was me.
Sadly, with the ‘selfie’ becoming last year’s buzzword and those pesky app creators providing a never-ending platform of options for people to incessantly talk about themselves, showing off is more popular than ever. Narcissism has emerged from the cellar and is casually slouched in front of the TV with its feet all over your nice sofa.
All we can hope is that one gratuitous holiday status update too far finally sends Zuckerberg over the edge and he pulls the plug on the whole thing (I like to think there’s a big red button somewhere). Would the world be a worse place? Yes, major uprisings and the like might be a bit more tedious to arrange. But I’m sure that once we turn our computers on without being informed that so-and-so has finally bought that pair of boots she’s always wanted, we’ll realise it’s worth it. And besides, isn’t Mark’s private big cat safari park large enough already?
