Well, Bespoke has seven solutions that are anything but ordinary. And no, we don’t mean boring old bee or snake venom facials, a round with a rolling pin and coffee grounds to reduce celluloid, a slathering of Chilean snail secretion to moisturise or a dot of haemorrhoid cream under the eyes to bring those bags down. 24 Karat gold-plate facelift to reverse skin cell damage and improve elasticity? Pfftt. Cactus needle exfoliating massage? Y-a-w-n.
Up for an adventure? Keep reading. Costing anywhere from 100 to 1,000 USD, these treatments may not be for the squeamish but they are guaranteed to get the girls (and boys) at the water cooler talking. Just don’t try them at home.
1. Fishy Feet
Meet Garra Rufa, a tiny flesh-nibbling fish from the carp family. You might not like the rough skin o the bottom of your feet but for this fish, it’s those calluses are a gourmet treat. Stick your feet in an aquarium full of them and they’ll pick them clean. Nicknamed the “doctor fish”, they come from the hot springs of Turkey, Syria and Iran and traditionally were used to treat conditions like psoriasis and eczema. It doesn’t hurt because the fish are toothless but it will tingle. Not for the ticklish.
2. Suck That
Leeches! These slimy, bloodthirsty little suckers are apparently all about the deep cleanse. Once the blighters are clamped on for a drink, they release detoxifying enzymes into your bloodstream as they decant a skinful of your personal vintage. As impurities are removed from your blood, your skin’s colour improves and you are left refreshed and rejuvenated, if bitten. Lie back, close your eyes and try to think of, well, anything apart from the fact that you have a wiggling mass of voracious black bloodsuckers glommed to your back.
3. Bloody Brilliant
What sounds like a treatment concocted in Transylvania for vain vampires is actually performed for the living, by doctors. The blood plasma facial is pretty much as it sounds; plasma is pumped from your veins and injected into your skin. It costs. As much as 800 USD a vial. But then your blood has to be spun to separate the cells from the platelets before it can be re-injected into your face. The ruddy glow that results is, apparently, unbeatable. And no, it’s not the same as rubbing a cut across your cheeks.
4. Baby-face
Who knew that placenta - the tissue expelled in the afterbirth - could be so useful? Turns out it doesn’t just nourish foetuses. Dried, it’s pretty good for your skin, too. Made from human or animal embryos - sheep and pigs are particularly popular alternatives – and applied using a needle-covered roller, this treatment is quite painful and at 500 USD a pop, might make your pocket wince too but it is said to improve cell regeneration and apparently does wonders for acne scars. Gives the term “baby-faced” a whole new meaning.
5. Powder Poo(f)
Once, the geisha used dehydrated Nightingale excrement to remove their clay-based make-up at night. Today, their age-old practice has been turned into a cleansing treatment that, due to the guanine it contains, also lightly bleaches the skin. Don’t worry, the droppings aren’t scraped off the bottom of a birdcage. Today’s product is sterilised, powdered and mixed with rice bran, so any smell is in your mind, not on your face. Leaving you polished as a pearl, this might be the Treatment That Dare Not Speak its Name but if asked, just don’t tell.
6. Viagr-ous Locks
Take a pint or two of bovine semen (Aberdeen Angus, bien sûr) add a little root of the Iranian Katera plant, mix and then scrub into your scalp. Leave it to soak in then rinse. With plenty of water. It’s currently the most popular treatment at one of the poshest hair salons in the world (Hari’s in Chelsea) and no wonder. Not only is it a winner in the organic beauty treatment stakes (could it get any more natural?) but a bowl of bull works wonders with damaged hair, leaving your locks thicker and coated in a gleaming, protective layer. Like Viagra but for hair.
7. Scaley Relief
Got a phobia of wriggling, writhing reptiles? Then this one might not be for you. Picture a bagful of slithering (non-venomous) snakes. Then picture yourself lying still as they are all let loose to slither over your bare skin. Apparently, massage by snake is a highly effective relaxation remedy and assuming you can unclench long enough for any relaxation to take effect, it’s said to be excellent at relieving sore muscles, aching joints, even migraines - though that might be because you are so intent on not screaming as your ‘masseurs’ get to work, that you forget you had a headache in the first place. Kind of like deep tissue massage (only by slithery things) practitioners claim the effect is more therapeutic and soothing than a cold compress.
